366 days and it's still there...I miss him.

I am mostly known being a very cheerful and loud person. 

But there are times that I just want to be quite and think about the world around me, what things I've done wrong and stuff like that. People actually had some misconception about me being a shallow bitch - But I ain't shallow, I just turn into a bitch when needed. 

But going back, one of the things that really makes me succumb to my vulnerable self is my dad. Today is the 366th day that he went away. I really miss him. I think about him all the time, how if he hadn't went away I would have known more than what he was on the outside. 

He was more than a dad to me, he was also my friend. I never knew that he sometimes felt hurt when I don't obey him but he doesn't blow off his steam right away. 

I miss my dad so much that I think that he is just beside me guiding me always. He loves us all so much that he didn't tell my mom he wasn't feeling good that time, he told my mom that he thinks he is experiencing from asthma. 

I still remember all the things that happened that day. Around 4pm my brother received a text from his partner that papa was in the emergency room. I went with my brother to the hospital. When we got there I saw my mom crying and saying "Manny!" I immediately hugged her. Tears just went flowing down my cheeks when I saw him on top of the stretcher. He had lots of contraptions strapped on him and I don't see him breathing. Then one of the nurses closed the curtain. The doctor approached me and explained what my dad has. He was the same doctor that I went to when I had a close call of pneumonia. The doctor asked me "umiinom pa rin ba papa mo?" (does your dad still drink?) - I said yes, but only a few bottles, then he told me if he was rushed to the hospital a bit sooner they could've done surgery on him. 

As time passes I feel him fading away. When a person passes, his "glow" suddenly fades. I went and asked the doctor "doc pwede ninyo pa po ba sagipin papa ko?" (Doc can you still save my dad?) He wasn't able to answer. I went to my mom to console her. She was being hysterical. I also went into a phase at that time that I was screaming at her to console her. I remember one of the things I told her was "kaya ni papa yan, yan pa! Mag vivideoke pa kami nian di ba pa?!?!" (papa can do it, We will still do some videoke right papa?!?!) 

It seems time had stopped at that time. I see my dad fading and I can't do anything. My second eldest brother is now at the hospital with his girlfriend and he asked me if I can call some people. I won't mention their names here for now to protect them. I called them and told papa is in the hospital. I also called my friends, at this time I was shaking because of what will happen next. 

I'm really sorry but I think I have to stop at this part since its too hard to say what happened. 

This picture was when I graduated from college. It was one of the happiest days of my life. My dad was there for me when I was studying, he was the one who went to the Prudential Life to get my tuition fee. He was the one who would make me a chart for my classes so it will be more organized. He also washes my clothes when I am too tired from school work. 

I admit I was a stubborn kid. Until now I am stubborn, but now I've learned to know when to say I give up or when to go on. My dad taught me that. 

Papa I know you are with our creator. I would just like to let you know that I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I want you to come back. Not seeing you when I wake up is not the same anymore, not seeing you in your workstation in the afternoon is like missing a routine in my life. 

I miss how you would bring me and mama siopao when you come home from Makati. I miss how you like to eat peanuts, ponkan and other fruits. I miss your version of Pancit. I miss you pa. 

I wish he never took you, but who am I to say when is your time? I am just a human and he is our creator. 

But since you passed, I never hated him for taking you away. Because I know he only took you to make us stronger. You made me stronger pa.

I love you, but I wasn't able to tell you that more often. You also weren't able to tell me that, but you made me feel that you love me. 

Pa I wish I could see you again. I miss hugging you. 

I love you pa. 

Alice