Living Life Not Giving a Shhhh

I was the type of person that cared too much how people see me. I terribly think of how others think of me - A TOTAL FREAKIN PEOPLE PLEASER!

But a few years ago I had a meltdown. A terrible one. I was kind of in a catatonic state where I would just wake up, do stuff that looked like living but essentially I was hollow on the inside. It sucked. I hated myself that time that I actually didn't cared anymore.

The worst part was the anxiety attacks I keep getting and I didn't even knew I was in one! 

When I started therapy (again), my therapist asked me what was I feeling then. I felt sick. I had sick thoughts of just burning or cutting myself or letting myself fall from the flight of stairs I walked everyday. I thought I was experiencing home sickness but it was far more worse when I realized it.

Therapy works guys. And one of the things I learned about myself was I was such a people pleaser because I was driven to exhaustion to succeed. I thought that if I'm successful people will like me and when I didn't achieved that and other personal issues came up I just snapped. It was a wake up call that I was not happy. I was driven by being envious of people in my circle that was moving above me and I felt I wasn't appreciated and didn't excelled fast enough to be appreciated. It was nasty.

I learned not to give a crap about the world anymore. I did relapsed a couple of times but now I can say I am back to my one-track-not-giving-two-fucks-about-the-world thinking.

Its really nice to be back if you ask me. I feel happier, contented, and just me.

And if people in my life would read this and become affected if you caused my mental breakdown - I would just like to say that you may or may not have become a factor to my breakdown but thank you for being part of my life. I am not closing my doors to you, but if you want to leave I won't stop you. I am one message away and I am ready to listen but I won't be a doormat for anyone anymore.  I have too many things in my life that I want to achieve and I won't give a crap of your opinion about me anymore.

So we good?

If you are lost in your way dear reader you can message me. I am ready to listen as much as I can.
And don't worry its not always going to be like that, it will get better trust me.

And if all the option fails - THERAPY WORKS WONDERS!

Much Love!

xx ALice