Mindful Journal Day 22-41


I am supposed to do this daily, but I can't. I am still trying to maintain this because I promised myself that I will do this as often as possible.

Lately I have been extremely tired. I just wanted to lay down my bed and just sleep.

I am not sick but I just missed doing nothing.

I missed not having an agenda for the day, I miss just enjoying staring blankly at the sky as if seeing the clouds change its form before my eyes.

I miss myself. 

I have always had a weird fascination with the clouds. I like seeing them form shapes in my head and just move slowly. I remember when I was a child that I wanted to be a cloud which is weird i know so don't judge me.

But as we grow older, those things change. We get responsibilities as we get older we may like it or not. I felt shackled with a constant fear of seeing my life being handled by other people.

I just wanted to live. I just wanted to feel alive.

The other night I just started crying out of the blue. Nothing really happened but I felt a very strong strike in my chest which was unnervingly real to my physical body and I just started crying.

Its painful to even think of this incident because no one knew that I was like being stabbed by an invisible knife to the chest as if it was looking for my heart to finally end my misery.

The pain in my chest did subside eventually and now I know why. I have been under constant stress lately which lead me to eating excessively as well.

One of the things that made me so stressed out is the constant bickering me and my now ex boyfriend have been having lately. We finally ended the relationship and somehow I felt relieved.

I should be sad right now but odd that I don't feel pain from the break up. I know we have broken up prior to this, but today was just something else.

I just felt free from the misery I was supposed to call a relationship.

I will tell you more about him on my upcoming posts once I get over this euphoric feeling that I am free. I supposed I am still in that state where I am also in denial that we broke up and its just a phase but another side of my brain was saying ' this is final, you don't need this in your life right now'

I might get a proper night of rest tonight if the stars are aligned right.
Much Love!
xx Alice

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