Slowly Rebuilding my Life

 hey. 

If this is your first time on my blog. Welcome! I have been away from blogging for about four or five years. Yes I did write a couple of articles from time to time but it was more of Press Releases that needed to be published but writing as a passion - like how it was suddenly disappeared. I honestly lost my love for blogging! I don't how I lost it but one day I just didn't felt like writing at all. I left my blog and my other one for quite a while. I did post some articles there but mainly because I did loved writing about food for some time. 

I am currently trying to rebuild my life again. Its hard to be honest. Its hard to realize that four years have passed, and I missed a lot of opportunities to grow this blog. I started my whole journey here 10+ Years ago and one day I just decided to leave it.

I think its time I tell you guys how I lost my passion from blogging. This might affect some people but I won't name anyone for their privacy. I still respect them but after what happened, I lost myself in the process which made me lose my spark as an individual. They may not have known what they did to me had broke me inside and I forgive them. 

It happened a year before I was assigned to an out of town project. It started with small comments about my looks, how I dress, how I speak. I know I am not the most elegant or classy but those comments started to chip away my self confidence. And it actually increased when I got assigned to that out of town project. 

I slowly felt isolated and also home sick which affected my mental health. There were also some really personal things that happened during that times that just drained me as well. By the time I got back in Manila, I had a mental breakdown. 

I slowly experience panic attacks, anxiety attacks and even had days where I just don't want to stand up and be alive - I was having depressive episodes. 

I tried to played it off as home sickness and fatigue, but I know I can't fool myself long enough - I had to seek therapy. 

While going through therapy session, I started a business to slowly ease my way out of the company I was in. I felt doing that won't make any noise or issue at all because I don't want the bells and whistles to go off that after years of being with them I finally left. I didn't want to leave to be honest because I know they are good people, but I need to prioritize my mental health over anything else. And I don't think they will understand it. 

From the time I left their company for about a year, I remember I wrote a couple of articles to try to bring my love of writing again. But it didn't come back. I wanted to write articles again but my heart was not in it. It sucks if you ask me. 

Then a slew of family tragedies happened for the next 12 months. My grandmother died, my uncle followed within that time too. I was also struggling and trying to keep afloat in my business. I tried to manage everything and I was able to do that. 

Then I went back to vlogging a couple of years ago. I didn't really put a lot of effort on my vlog but because I met new friends who were passionate about vlogging, I got the hang of it too. 

Around that time I started to just forget about my blog. I considered it a part of my past. But one day when I was having a session, my therapist asked me about my blog which made me think about it again. 

I lost my passion about writing and blogging because it included memories of the past trauma I experienced. It made me hate writing to be honest. Those past traumas made me regret writing and blogging in the first place. But luckily I was able to move forward from that. I am able to forgive the people that hurt me. They may not have apologized about it but I already forgave them. 

Now I am slowly rebuilding my life again. Even in this time that we are experiencing, I think its important that we still keep moving forward. I know our current situation sucks like believe me I don't know how I am still able to survive this whole pandemic without going insane from all the  bills I have to pay off but best believe I still feel okay and hopeful my mother and I can move forward from this. 

If you are feeling the same way, always remember that there is still tomorrow we can look forward to. It may look dark right now but don't worry and keep moving forward. It will all be better soon. 

Much Love 

xx Alice