When Will My Life Begin (Again) ?

 While writing this article I am blasting When My Life Begin at 1AM as if giving me the creative powers I need. Call me childish but blasting Disney songs while writing does give me that boost I need. And this song actually speaks a lot about my life right now and also the global pandemic. We are under another GCQ which is now less restrictive (I Guess) but still has those limitations that we had been enjoying since December. 

I remember during the start of the whole lockdown, I would usually wake up at 5AM and just stare into the ceiling as if my vision can burrow in the wood the longer I stare into it. I would usually do that for a solid 30 minutes. I just let my mind be empty. That was(?) or still(?) am feeling. And that question pops in my head - When will my life begin again? 

The whole lockdown until now is a series of routines and activities which may bore you honestly. The first few months I would just wake up with an empty mind and go to sleep feeling broken, unaccomplished and defeated. 

Nowadays since I work from home, I would wake up at 7AM, have my coffee while talk to my mother, do my morning bathroom routine and prepare for work. The moment I sit in front of my computer is work time and I have developed the habit of working a bit too early to working two hours after 6pm - my work is from 9AM to 6PM. And before you ask me if I get paid overtime that is a solid no my friend and I don't really ask for that. As long as I can help out I will. 

Honestly I am not the best employee. I fuck up so many times I just want to throw my brain in the washer for a while just to clear my anxiety. I haven't visited my therapist yet due to monetary concern but if ever she reads this: CAN YOU TELL ME HOW PTSD MANIFESTS? Because I think I have it but I am not sure. 

I tend to just phase out and let the situation control me. And usually two options arise: Crying and Hardening myself. I would use the first one to be able to let out my anger and to get over the stupidity I did. The Hardening is more of building up walls to guard my heart. I honestly think that sometimes I am just living each day just to get over it. 

Which leads me to the question: When will my life begin again? I want to be that 22 year old who is trying her best to share her thoughts how mundane they are sometimes and feel good with just one person reading her thoughts. I want to live like that again. 

I remember my therapist once told me that in order to be free, I have to take the first step: set myself free from the judgement, the insecurity and doubt. I remembered when I first tried blogging, I was so scared what people will think about me. But then again this is my safe space. I can   write what I want and post it for the world to see. 

And I think today is that first day of me stepping out of the burrow I made for so long. And honestly it just feels right. 

Welcome back Me! I missed your quirky self realizations and off the wall commentary which sometimes is a bit judgmental, but we can work on that soon. 

I hope you can join me while I tell you some of the weirdest things that happen in my life on the daily. 

Much Love 

xx Alice