Mindful Journal day 2 and 3 of 365
I will be combining day 2 and 3 in today's post because:
1. I totally forgot to write it and I'm sorry. This will never happen for sure.
2. There was a lot of things going in my head that I can't focus.
so here goes...
In the past, I would usually be very jolly a few days before my birthday. I don't know..I am typically that kind of person. But for some twisted reason I am not excited for my upcoming birthday.
Maybe because of my age or because not a lot of people even bothered to remember that my birthday existed.
This is one side of me I don't like- the childish side of me.
I am the youngest in the family so to be honest I grew up having most of the attention of my ever so busy parents. My parents really took the time to make my birthdays seem like a big celebration every year.
But maybe because my dad is not with us anymore any kind of celebration is like a memory slowing fading away.
The last birthday party my parents organized was my 18th birthday. I had cake and an array of food me and my mom cooked. Given that I come from a middle class family, my parents told me that they can't afford a lavish party due to the economic situation which was fine if you ask me.
The only thing important to me was people rememebered that day was a special day to me and I want them to be there.
After that birthday it wasn't really the same. I never really got VIP treatment when its my birthday nor do I feel special anymore.
Maybe its the ME complex that got me dreading about my birthday.
But don't think that I am not thankful that I get to live another year in existence in this world. I am ecstatic but deep in my heart there is like a voice that is like saying...No one remembers your birthday so don't even bother getting a surprise party.
It breaks my heart when I hear those nasty voices in my head saying that. I have super low self esteem to begin with, then add those shitty things will just make me worse.
I think I've lost my optimism a long time ago. Its a heartbreaking reality for me. That no one will put effort for me for at least a day in my life.
I am just praying tomorrow will be a better day for me.
I just hope everything will be okay tomorrow.
Much Love
xx Alice
1. I totally forgot to write it and I'm sorry. This will never happen for sure.
2. There was a lot of things going in my head that I can't focus.
so here goes...
In the past, I would usually be very jolly a few days before my birthday. I don't know..I am typically that kind of person. But for some twisted reason I am not excited for my upcoming birthday.
Maybe because of my age or because not a lot of people even bothered to remember that my birthday existed.
This is one side of me I don't like- the childish side of me.
I am the youngest in the family so to be honest I grew up having most of the attention of my ever so busy parents. My parents really took the time to make my birthdays seem like a big celebration every year.
But maybe because my dad is not with us anymore any kind of celebration is like a memory slowing fading away.
The last birthday party my parents organized was my 18th birthday. I had cake and an array of food me and my mom cooked. Given that I come from a middle class family, my parents told me that they can't afford a lavish party due to the economic situation which was fine if you ask me.
The only thing important to me was people rememebered that day was a special day to me and I want them to be there.
After that birthday it wasn't really the same. I never really got VIP treatment when its my birthday nor do I feel special anymore.
Maybe its the ME complex that got me dreading about my birthday.
But don't think that I am not thankful that I get to live another year in existence in this world. I am ecstatic but deep in my heart there is like a voice that is like saying...No one remembers your birthday so don't even bother getting a surprise party.
It breaks my heart when I hear those nasty voices in my head saying that. I have super low self esteem to begin with, then add those shitty things will just make me worse.
I think I've lost my optimism a long time ago. Its a heartbreaking reality for me. That no one will put effort for me for at least a day in my life.
I am just praying tomorrow will be a better day for me.
I just hope everything will be okay tomorrow.
Much Love
xx Alice
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